..... i thought being metrosexual told you that....

i just got off the phone with my mother.

needless to say, i am angry, annoyed and will be reaching for the rum soon. oh yes. there will be a captain in me soon enough.

so once again, we have to get on the subject of me getting married. the best part is that i don't have to say anything even REMOTELY close to marriage, dating or even talk about an attractive guy- nothing. it like a little defect in her brain. random sparks fly out and bam- 'when are you getting married?' she's getten so desperate that she suggested one of my single cousins. what mother?! you're telling me that you want defective-inbreed grandkids with 7 fingers on each hand? is that it?

tonight though- tonight i got especially annoyed. we're chatten* it up (arguing*) and of course it's about me getten married- where she gets frustrated and just asks me (in the deliciously fed-up way) 'well are you just some lesbian then?!'

.....oh my god.... this is it! this is my fucken golden ticket! and it went a little something like this;



angry sam: why yes. yes i am a lesbian.

crazy mama: don't try to give me a heart attack, i know you're not.

angry sam: no seriously, im really a lesbian. that is EXACTLY why i don't wanna get married. i really can't under republican rule, mother.

crazy mama: ....so that girl you were always hanging around with in high school and middle school.....?

angry sam: (wait for it...... wait for it.....) yes. she was my lover.

crazy mama: no way! fine! we'll take you to a doctor, and after they do some tests on you- they'll tell us if you're a lesbian or not!

angry sam: ................(wow, LoL what the fuck as i suppose to say to this?....)

crazy mama: we'll take you to a doctor and i know they can tell us right there if you're a lesbian or not!

angry sam: .........(dude.... i still don't know what to fucken say to that.......)

crazy mama: they're so advanced with their technology! they'll tell us right there!

angry sam: (.....i really have to make her stop talking.... advanced technology to tell you someone's sexual orientation? ..... i thought being metrosexual told you that....)

crazy mama: now you can't say anything to that!

angry sam: ...........mother............. are you high?!


the rest of that conversation goes down hill from there.... really though.... wow..... fucken wow..............wow............ im still- wow...... really? seriously?? get a couple tests done at the hospital will tell of my sexual orientation? fucking seriously?! i mean, if that were the case, we'd have valid proof that andy dick is gay. but yes. that is my mother.

so when i go back to texas for the annual visit, im scheduled to get some blood work and a physical at the local clinic. i wonder if there are any secrets to sway my test results to say im a lesbian. maybe if i say away from nuts and sausage for a few days before the tests and just focus on eating lots of fish.