..... i thought being metrosexual told you that....

i just got off the phone with my mother.

needless to say, i am angry, annoyed and will be reaching for the rum soon. oh yes. there will be a captain in me soon enough.

so once again, we have to get on the subject of me getting married. the best part is that i don't have to say anything even REMOTELY close to marriage, dating or even talk about an attractive guy- nothing. it like a little defect in her brain. random sparks fly out and bam- 'when are you getting married?' she's getten so desperate that she suggested one of my single cousins. what mother?! you're telling me that you want defective-inbreed grandkids with 7 fingers on each hand? is that it?

tonight though- tonight i got especially annoyed. we're chatten* it up (arguing*) and of course it's about me getten married- where she gets frustrated and just asks me (in the deliciously fed-up way) 'well are you just some lesbian then?!'

.....oh my god.... this is it! this is my fucken golden ticket! and it went a little something like this;



angry sam: why yes. yes i am a lesbian.

crazy mama: don't try to give me a heart attack, i know you're not.

angry sam: no seriously, im really a lesbian. that is EXACTLY why i don't wanna get married. i really can't under republican rule, mother.

crazy mama: ....so that girl you were always hanging around with in high school and middle school.....?

angry sam: (wait for it...... wait for it.....) yes. she was my lover.

crazy mama: no way! fine! we'll take you to a doctor, and after they do some tests on you- they'll tell us if you're a lesbian or not!

angry sam: ................(wow, LoL what the fuck as i suppose to say to this?....)

crazy mama: we'll take you to a doctor and i know they can tell us right there if you're a lesbian or not!

angry sam: .........(dude.... i still don't know what to fucken say to that.......)

crazy mama: they're so advanced with their technology! they'll tell us right there!

angry sam: (.....i really have to make her stop talking.... advanced technology to tell you someone's sexual orientation? ..... i thought being metrosexual told you that....)

crazy mama: now you can't say anything to that!

angry sam: ...........mother............. are you high?!


the rest of that conversation goes down hill from there.... really though.... wow..... fucken wow..............wow............ im still- wow...... really? seriously?? get a couple tests done at the hospital will tell of my sexual orientation? fucking seriously?! i mean, if that were the case, we'd have valid proof that andy dick is gay. but yes. that is my mother.

so when i go back to texas for the annual visit, im scheduled to get some blood work and a physical at the local clinic. i wonder if there are any secrets to sway my test results to say im a lesbian. maybe if i say away from nuts and sausage for a few days before the tests and just focus on eating lots of fish.

girl and her dog

i saw the cutest goth couple today at the pet store in the puppies aisle. like shit you see on tv kinda goth. everytime i see an uber goth couple, it remind me of when i worked at starbucks with this innocent older man.

one night as we were closing up the store, a young (14 or 15?) girl dressed head-to-toe in black with black and white make up came into the store dragging behind her a leash. the leash didn't really throw me by surprise or anything... i mean, customers have been known to sneak in their tiny dogs and keep them in their laps... but the leash wasn't dragging a few feet below her, it was actually suspended a few inches above her head. i was like, 'what the fuck? she gonna bring in a fucken bear?' but it was not a bear. it was not a bear at all. attached to the leash comes in the tall skinny pale guy who looks equally as pissed off as his owner (im guessing it's his owner...) so now i'm getten excited. 'ooh! performance art!' was my thought.

as the girl and her pet approach the counter, not one word comes out of their of their mouths. they don't even crack a smile- nothing. she pulls out a little slip of paper with her drink order, pays and waits at the bar on the other side of the counter for the drinks. meanwhile, im hangen out in the cafe area. there is no fucken way im getten involved in this, what i am supose to say to them? 'i like your collar.... the spiky studs really bring out the whites of your pet's eyes...' and the guy who is ringing them up and making their order is an older guy who isn't really used to this type of stuff. he said the best thing ever;

'so uhh... is this some sort of a school project?'

LoL LoL LoL

..... sigh..... good times........